Learning to Love after an Insecure Childhood-Overcoming Resentment and Anger

Conversations with Children by Sister Magdalen is,"Excellent
for parents and adults working with young people. This British 
Orthodox nun gives examples of real conversations in dialogue
format. Prefaced or followed by an explanation of why she did or
did not give a particular answer. Covers discussions on the Faith,
Tradition, and relationships within the family and the community."
From the Orthodox Logos bookstore website.


Sister Magdalen is an Orthodox nun, lecturer and writer from the
Stavropegic Monastery of St John the Forerunner near Maldon
Essex in England . She is a disciple of Blessed Elder Sophrony
of Essex. The following excerpt from her book offers precise
insights into the mechanics of anger and resentment and their
cure!


"To overcome the pain and insecurity caused by a lack of love, or
worse, by actual abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) one needs
the conscioussness that one is loved, and that one can give love.
Yet those who are desperate to be loved often become difficult to 
love because they are over-demanding." p.64


"People are afraid to demand love of a 'broken' person. Yet the
Gospels are the way of healing for all conditions. 'Fight against
your memories by cultivating the virtues', (St Thalassios the 
Libyan)." Even on the psychological level, someone who is 
hungry to be loved will receive more sincere love from others if
he becomes unselfish and kind. At first loving behavior may feel
contrived and artificial, but the positive reactions of others will 
lead more easily to natural relationships, than would a craving
demand." p.85


In the book 'Recollections about Elder Porphyrios' by
A. Tavazara p.137, we read that, "A woman once complained
to the Elder that no one loved her. (Elder Porphyrios) told her,
"We must not demand love from other people. We must first
love them and not struggle to get their love. Then, some time,
they will give love back to us." p.85-86


"St John Climacus acknowledges that a person who has to 
struggle against resentment or anger will acquire greater
grace than one whose circumstances made it natural for
him to be calm and have easy relationships." p.86


"A 40-year-old woman had been abused as a child, and was 
tormented by bitter thoughts against her parents: her father for
the abuse and her mother for 'not protecting her' from it. 
Psychotherapists had advised her to express her
resentment and not to feel guilty about it, but she did not
find peace. 


When she sought the advice of an Orthodox priest, his
approach was different. While sympathizing, he also showed 
her that while her father was responsible for his deeds; she
must now take responsibility for her reaction - she was doing
herself harm by harboring resentment. She was letting one 
evil give rise to another. Indeed, exercising her anger involved
digging it up, even cultivating it, increasing its power over her 
without really uprooting it. The priest advised her to pray for
peace, and to pray for her father, even if she began with a 
bitter heart, with mere words. He also suggested that she speak
with me. (That is how I know what he said: normally I stop people
recounting what was said during confession.) Once again it was 
demonstrated to me that there are no circumstances in which
the Gospel is inapplicable. 


This woman began to be freed from torment; any thought of her 
father now directed her towards her efforts to overcome resentment. 
At first, still harboring vengefulness, she was relieved by realizing
that 'God will judge him'. Gradually she ceased to desire revenge
at all. She soon acquired a measure of peace, and a great hope
that peace would overcome pain eventually. If she reaches the
stage of loving her father, she will be sanctified, for if she can
include him in her heart, no one else would be excluded. 


Not everyone who has experienced such troubles is able to
hear advice; sometimes a Christian adviser can only listen with
compassion and prayer. But a victim who learns to love will 
become a victor  over evil and a companion of the saints.


'Love is of God (1st John 4:7). In the measure that I love
in the spirit of the Gospels, I am living as God lives, and 
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit can dwell in me." p.86-87
Sister Magdalen


Conversations with Children is available from 
Eighth Day Books